Confrontational Love?

Confrontation makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps that is because I have a picture in my mind of what it is supposed to look like. The very word confrontation make me think of an unsaved person or rebellious believer being told how sinful they are by a group of Christians. There is no love or grace involved, only judgment and anger. I fear that this is what many of us think confrontation is. “Often when people hear the words rebuke and confrontation, they think of a radical moment of truth telling, a long list of stern indictments against a person who is significantly rebellious or who has tragically wandered away.”1

Biblical confrontation does not have to look like this. Confrontation always involves two different things, the truth we share, and the attitude we share it with. Truth can be shared in a way that will convict and change the individual while also involving an attitude of humility and love. But many times I find myself sharing truth in an attitude of judgment instead of love. And the attitude we have as truth is shared will many times decide how a person will respond.

After graduating from College in 1999 I began working there in the admissions department. During that time I got to know many of the students, and especially underclassmen. In time I became a “counselor” or sorts for them when they had a problem. One of my counselees was a freshman girl who had a very serious low self esteem issues

She had a learning disability which made it hard for her to learn. That along with other situations in her life led this girl to view herself as worthless. Her one goal in life was to have a boyfriend, because as long as she was dating, there was reason to believe in herself. She soon began a tumultuous on again off again relationship with a guy from a nearby school.

As a result of this crazy relationship she had terrible mood swings. One day she on top of the world, the next she felt like dirt. Many of the students realized the relationship was wrong, and told her to break it off, but she wouldn’t do it. After a few weeks simple requests for a break up became more like demands. After a while a lot people basically just gave up on her because she refused to change.

I happen to be one of the thousands of people in the world who suffer from low self esteem. I have been able by God’s grace to find victory and confidence through my relationship with Jesus Christ. And more than anything I wanted my friend to have that same victory. I wanted her to find an identity in Christ instead of a boyfriend. But I also knew the kind of emotional pain she was experiencing.

I started talking with her during lunch about her emotional struggles. I shared a lot about how I used to (and still do from time to time) struggle with feelings of worthlessness. I told her that she was making her boyfriend into a God, and the happiness would not last. But I never said it in anger or judgment. It was more like I didn’t want her to make the same mistakes I made in the past.


In 2003 I left the Bible College and began deputation full time. And sadly my friend was still riding an emotional roller coaster. But I felt that my loving words of challenge would be used by God to impact her life. In 2006 I saw her for the last time before leaving for the mission field. She had a huge smile on her face and seemed incredibly content with life. Oh yeah I almost forgot, she was single. Not only was she single, but she was satisfied being single!

Now I know that there is a big difference between low self esteem and more serious sins. But God used my friendship with her to teach me a very important lesson. It is possible to share truth in a humble loving spirit. Yes it takes longer than direct confrontation in a spirit of judgment. But in the long run it is much more powerful

1 Paul Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemers Hands, pg.203, par.1, ln.1