Confrontational Love?

Confrontation makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps that is because I have a picture in my mind of what it is supposed to look like. The very word confrontation make me think of an unsaved person or rebellious believer being told how sinful they are by a group of Christians. There is no love or grace involved, only judgment and anger. I fear that this is what many of us think confrontation is. “Often when people hear the words rebuke and confrontation, they think of a radical moment of truth telling, a long list of stern indictments against a person who is significantly rebellious or who has tragically wandered away.”1

Biblical confrontation does not have to look like this. Confrontation always involves two different things, the truth we share, and the attitude we share it with. Truth can be shared in a way that will convict and change the individual while also involving an attitude of humility and love. But many times I find myself sharing truth in an attitude of judgment instead of love. And the attitude we have as truth is shared will many times decide how a person will respond.

After graduating from College in 1999 I began working there in the admissions department. During that time I got to know many of the students, and especially underclassmen. In time I became a “counselor” or sorts for them when they had a problem. One of my counselees was a freshman girl who had a very serious low self esteem issues

She had a learning disability which made it hard for her to learn. That along with other situations in her life led this girl to view herself as worthless. Her one goal in life was to have a boyfriend, because as long as she was dating, there was reason to believe in herself. She soon began a tumultuous on again off again relationship with a guy from a nearby school.

As a result of this crazy relationship she had terrible mood swings. One day she on top of the world, the next she felt like dirt. Many of the students realized the relationship was wrong, and told her to break it off, but she wouldn’t do it. After a few weeks simple requests for a break up became more like demands. After a while a lot people basically just gave up on her because she refused to change.

I happen to be one of the thousands of people in the world who suffer from low self esteem. I have been able by God’s grace to find victory and confidence through my relationship with Jesus Christ. And more than anything I wanted my friend to have that same victory. I wanted her to find an identity in Christ instead of a boyfriend. But I also knew the kind of emotional pain she was experiencing.

I started talking with her during lunch about her emotional struggles. I shared a lot about how I used to (and still do from time to time) struggle with feelings of worthlessness. I told her that she was making her boyfriend into a God, and the happiness would not last. But I never said it in anger or judgment. It was more like I didn’t want her to make the same mistakes I made in the past.


In 2003 I left the Bible College and began deputation full time. And sadly my friend was still riding an emotional roller coaster. But I felt that my loving words of challenge would be used by God to impact her life. In 2006 I saw her for the last time before leaving for the mission field. She had a huge smile on her face and seemed incredibly content with life. Oh yeah I almost forgot, she was single. Not only was she single, but she was satisfied being single!

Now I know that there is a big difference between low self esteem and more serious sins. But God used my friendship with her to teach me a very important lesson. It is possible to share truth in a humble loving spirit. Yes it takes longer than direct confrontation in a spirit of judgment. But in the long run it is much more powerful

1 Paul Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemers Hands, pg.203, par.1, ln.1

Asking The Hard Questions

A few months ago I began teaching a group of teens at a local church on Wednesday nights. At first I taught them using power points and twenty minute lessons. After about a month I realized that strategy would not work well with them. Most of these teenagers came from a family or culture that stressed open communication. So my teaching style that involved lots of lecture with very little discussion seemed strange to them.

After realizing how important communication was to them, I centered the Wednesday night service around open discussion. I would share verses of Scripture, and ask them questions about what God is saying in that passage. After a while we began to discuss some controversial issues during the lesson. Things such as politics, terrorism, homosexuality, sex before marriage, and dealing with depression.

At first discussing these things frightened me. They are subjects that I would never be comfortable talking about in a church service. But I was amazed at how the teenagers responded when I brought up the controversial issues. They began to become actively involved in the discussion and helped me think about the response that God would have for us. In a few weeks I went from speaking to a group of bored teenagers to making sure that only one spoke at a time instead of three!

What made such a difference in the youth meeting? I believe part of it was that they could talk about things that they couldn't discuss anywhere else. Teenagers today deal with issues that we could not possibly imagine. So having a place where they can feel safe enough to ask hard questions and discuss those messy issues is important. I was very careful in these discussions to make sure that they were honoring to God. I always began with a devotional from Scripture that had to do with the subject we where discussing. And I would ask questions during the discussion that would draw us back to Scripture.

As believers living in a postmodern world we are surrounded by the unsaved. And if we commit ourselves to interacting with the unsaved they will ask us hard questions. Questions that have to do with the subjects we many times don’t discuss because they make us feel uncomfortable. Because of this we must learn to communicate about those subjects in small groups. Those discussions will help us develop answers to those hard questions.

I do not believe that subjects such as homosexuality and terrorism should be discussed from the pulpit of a church. But I do believe that they need to be discussed. Talking about those issues will probably make you uncomfortable just like I was. But those moments of discomfort will reap great rewards. Like being able to give a well thought out answer to the unbelievers question. And being able to not only state our view, but defend it as well.

Balanced Confrontation

I am not the kind of person who enjoys conflict, so I avoid it at all costs. This fear of conflict creates a problem when dealing with the unsaved. Many unbelievers will be involved in sinful practices that must be confronted. I know that God wants me to connect and minister to the unsaved in my community. But he also desires that I confront sin when it is committed.

As a believer in Jesus Christ I can't just overlook sinful actions of the lost. So how do I confront those sins? This question is a very important one since Christians are many times seen as judgmental. In fact 87% of the unsaved people who took part in a recent survey said that the word “judgmental” summed up Christianity for them.1

How could this many people view us as judgmental? A lot of it has to do with the way we confront those who are in sin. A definition for confrontation in the mind of some believers seems to be, “pointing out any sin that needs to be dealt with in a judgmental fashion.” These individuals point out every sin in the lost person's life and demand that they change immediately.


Is this how God wants us to confront sin? I honestly don't think so because it does not include love or grace. There are other Christians who make the love of Christ the foundation for their confrontation. These individuals are many times like me and don't like to conflict of any kind. So they won't confront the sin of those around them. And if they do it is in a way that will never make the unsaved person feel uncomfortable.

In my view neither of these styles of confrontation are right. The first does not take into account the love of Christ. The other does not include conviction of any kind. Somewhere between these two extremes is healthy confrontation. And it can only be found by balancing the two extreme views. The focus of the first view is truth. Truth is the most important thing and it does not matter how you come across as long as it is given. The second stresses love in a very strong way. For them the most important thing is that the unsaved person not feel bad.

So true confrontation will combine truth and love. The message will not change at any time (sin will still be sin). But the methods, or ways that truth is shared, will be loving. Those who stress truth will tell an unbeliever he is a sinner and needs to stop sinning the first time they meet. Those who stress love might bring up the subject after about a month, but not in a way that will condemn that person.

True confrontation will develop a close relationship with that person first. After connecting with the unbeliever he will lovingly point out the sin in that persons life. The confrontation itself will be carried out in a spirit of humility. Some may say that this view goes easy on the sinner. But a loving confrontation that comes from a friend is much more powerful that a judgmental one.

We live in the midst of a fallen world. Being a light to the darkness here involves confrontation of sin. But we must be careful that it is done in a way that balances both truth and love. For if we don't it will be very hard for change to take place.

1Kinnaman, UnChristian, pg.28, par. 2

One Small Step Out

When people talk about becoming involved in the lives of unsaved they usually think about doing something drastic. “Escaping the Christian bubble” is seen as demanding a complete change in the way we do life. But many times God gives us opportunities to interact with the unsaved in more subtle ways. And as we take those God given opportunities we will be able to have an impact upon unbelievers for Christ.

Last Monday I was at a shopping center that is less than five minutes from my house. I was surprised to find that a Gloria Jeans coffee shop had opened up there. Gloria Jeans is a chain of cafes here in Australia. They are known for having very good coffee, and an environment where people can relax and talk with friends.

Now as strange as it may seem I believe that God brought that coffee shop to Melton just for me. See I spend a lot of time reading books that help prepare me for ministry. I also do a lot research for lessons that I teach at churches. I usually study at home, but was interested in finding another place to study. A place where I can actually interact with lost people while doing my reading.

A few weeks ago I went through Melton on a Monday morning looking for any coffee shops where I could study. The closest thing I found was a McDonalds but I didn’t really think a fast food restaurant was the best place to do that. But the small Gloria Jeans coffee shop would be just perfect for it.

Next week I plan to begin studying there at least two days a week. During that time I hope to continue learning more from God’s Word. But I also want to connect with some of the staff, and regulars there. The relationships will allow me to have open minded discussions with unbelievers about spiritual things. And in time I will share with them the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For a while I was looking for a huge thing that God wanted me to do in Melton Australia. I expected him to give me some great ministry for this community. Instead God led me to a coffee house. That reminds me that God does not always want us to take giant leaps of faith for him. Instead he just wants us to take small simple steps as he opens the door.

Escaping The Bubble

Adapting to the foreign culture is one of my main goals here in Australia. But for my ministry to be strong I must also adapt to (become involved in) the lives of the unsaved around me as well. This means I must actively seek out the unsaved and develop relationships with them. And then through those relationships I will be able to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In the past I would call for unbelievers to attend a service or outreach at my church. This philosophy demanded that they come to me instead of my coming to them.


Recently I have been reading a book that chronicles the results of a three year study on how the unsaved view Believers.1 Throughout the book different views are shared that the unbelievers have concerning the church. The chapter I read from today described Christians as “sheltered”. On the first page of that chapter is a statement from an unsaved twenty-two year old young man that challenged me. “Christians enjoy being in their own community. The more they seclude themselves, the less they can function in the real world. So many Christians are caught in the Christian bubble.”2

What made that statement so amazing is that this morning I read the exact same thing in a totally different book written by the Pastor of a church. He points out that for many of us our goal is to, “build a stronger and thicker bubble around us protecting us from the outside while we create this very strange Christian subculture inside.”3

Both this pastor and unsaved young man make the same point using the same word (bubble). We tend to only spend time with other Believers, and have very little interaction with the unsaved. The more I thought about this the more it convicted me. I am called to be different from the world, but at the same time actively involved in it. It is a wonderful thing to spend time with other believers in fellowship and encouragement.
Yet I have a hard time naming one unsaved person who I am close friends with.

It is unhealthy for my social life to consist only of Believers. But that is still true for many of us. “We go to church on Wednesdays, Sundays, and sometimes on Saturdays. We attend small group on Tuesday night and serve on the Sunday School advisory board, the financial committee, and the welcoming committee. We go to barbecues with our Christian friends and plan to group outings. We are closed off from the world.” 4

I don’t believe that we are only spending time with Christian friends because of sin in our lives. The truth is that almost all of us are so busy we don’t have time to interact with our friends at church. And developing relationships with an unbeliever is a very slow process. But what I read today made me stop a few moments and think. In many ways I am currently living in the “Christian bubble”. But by God’s grace I will find a way to escape it.


1 David Kinnaman, Unchristian, Baker Books; Grand Rapids Michigan, Copyright 2007
2 David Kinnaman, Unchristian, pg.121, par.1
3 Dan Kimball, They like Jesus but not the church, pg.42, Par.1, ln.3
4 David Kinnaman, Unchristian, pg.130, par.3, ln.5

Circumcision of The Heart

Romans 2:29 But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.

We all have specific Scripture passages that make dramatic impacts upon our lives. Verses that have been used by God to help us become more like Christ. Romans chapter two verse twenty-nine is one of those verses for me. God taught me its truth after one of the hardest times of my life. I had just finished my Junior year in High School and was really looking forward to the summer.

That year had been especially hard on me. I was given my first real leadership opportunity by becoming part of my schools “student council”. On the first day of school I had lots of ideas about making the school a better place. But none of those ideas worked. So a few months after school started I was ready to quit!

On a Wednesday evening that summer God showed me one of the reasons all of my plans failed. One of our youth leaders spoke from Romans 2:29 about having a circumcision of the heart. He talked about the Jews who were proud of being circumcised physically (2:28), and believed that circumcision was part of Salvation. But Paul in this verse points out that a physical circumcision was not what God really cared about.

Those who were circumcised took great pride in calling themselves “real Jews”. But a real Jew in eyes of God was one who had a circumcision of the heart. The truth of that passage made me really think about my life. That God cares more about my heart (my personal relationship with him) than the outer actions of Christianity.

I am by no means saying that God does not want us to pray, attend church, and read the Bible. But there is more to Christianity than that. Being a Christian means having a close relationship with God where we seek his will, and then submit to it. The actions of Christianity (reading the Bible, going to church) flow out of that relationship!

Later on that night I talked for a long time with one of my friends about what that verse meant. And God made me realize that while I was saved, and doing all of the right things. I did not have an intimate relationship with him. That was why I struggled so much the year before. It is hard being the spiritual leader at a school when you are neglecting your own relationship with God!

That verse and the moment it impacted my life are still burned on my mind. But more importantly that truth is written on my heart as well. And it is a reminder for me that it is not enough to have teenagers read their Bible during the week. But I am to help them develop an intimate relationship with God as well.

Becoming A Southern Australian

Less than ten minutes after coming through customs at the Melbourne International Airport I was given the words of advice that have stuck with me for the last eleven months. Those words have helped me gain the respect of Australian believers, ministries with youth in multiple churches, and a solid foundation for future ministry. Without that phrase there is a good chance I would not have any of those things right now. What were the words that shaped my ministry so powerfully, “things are different here John”.

Melbourne Australia in a lot of ways looks like large cities in the United States. But the similarities stop there. The Australian culture is drastically different from the American one I grew up with. And how I respond to the differences in Australia will decide how successful my ministry will be.

It is very easy for me as an American to do things the way that I am used to doing them. But many times the American way clashes with the Australian way. Sadly many of the Australian people are used to seeing Americans continue doing things that clash with their culture. I don’t believe that they are offending people around them on purpose. But refusing to adapt to the Australian way of doing things is offensive nonetheless.

Early on I made a commitment to adapt to the Australian culture as much as possible. I knew that I would never become a full fledged Aussie in their eyes but always a yank (all Americans are yanks in Australia). But trying to do things their way would allow me to gain their respect. I have made many changes in my lifestyle since coming here. But one of the most drastic has to do with my bedroom closet.

Actually it is what I leave in my closet that is drastic. I received two very high quality men’s suits for Christmas last year. I carefully packed them in barrels before having them shipped from the U.S. to Australia, planning to wear them when I preached at churches. While at home in North Carolina I always wore a suit and tie when I preached at a church.

Well in Australia nobody wears a suit or tie to church. Actually hardly any of them wear dress shirts either. Instead they wear blue jeans and shorts along with t-shirts or polo shirts. Suddenly I had a choice to make. I could continue wearing my suit and tie to church every Sunday. Or I could adapt to the Australian way of doing things. In the end I decided to make a compromise.

On Sundays I wear non dress pants with a dress shirt, and tie. Neither part of the suits that I received last Christmas are worn, although I do wear the dress pants from time to time. While speaking at another church in the area I actually spoke in khaki pants with a polo shirt. And to my amazement, God did not strike me dead with lightning!

Today I have a lot solid relationships with believers at the church I attend regularly. Relationships I probably wouldn’t have if I wore a suit to church. For by leaving my suit hanging in my closet I sent two very powerful messages. “I don’t think that I am better than everyone, and want to serve in a way that is meaningful to you.”

A Computer or a Basketball?

In August I began ministering to the youth group at a local church on Wednesday nights. The idea was that I would teach there for about a month. And if things went well then I could continue teaching for the 2008 year. I came that first night excited to see what God was planning to do. Instead of giving them a lesson I decided to share a few verses of scripture, and my testimony. It was surprising how well they responded to what I said that night.

The next Wednesday I came back with a well thought out lesson from the book of Nehemiah. I had spent a lot of time developing that message through Biblical study. I was also using a well written book on leadership that used truths from Nehemiah as a foundation for my lessons. But surprisingly the lesson did not go as well as I thought it would. So the next week I tried harder to develop a lesson that would speak to their hearts. Only a few teens showed up. And those who did come didn’t show much interest.

It soon became obvious that my lessons on Nehemiah were not impacting their lives. So I asked them what kind of lessons they would like to have on Wednesday nights. Their response was something that they could live out on a daily basis. The subject of peer pressure was also discussed. So the next day I checked all the Christian bookstores in my area for books on peer pressure. And of course there weren’t any. So I began to develop and write my own lessons on peer pressure.

The next week I came in with a well thought out lesson on how to deal with peer pressure. Not only that but I also had a power point presentation to go along with the lesson. Not just any power point presentation mind you, but a professional power point presentation that used templates purchased off of the internet. As I went through the lesson I moved from slide to slide using a wireless mouse. The entire presentation was very professional.

After about five weeks of my professional presentations we had the church service in a different location. The one that is usually used did not have power, so we met at a YMCA building just down the street. I started into my professional lesson as always but soon noticed that none of the teenagers were paying attention to me. Their eyes were on me, but their minds were miles away. In that moment I had to ask myself what kind of ministry I wanted in that church. Did I want a ministry that just gave information? Or did I want a ministry that truly impacted the life of those young people?

On the way home from church that night I completely scrapped my ministry philosophy. And the next week over Doritos, candy, and chips I learned what the teens really wanted on Wednesday nights. A few weeks later I came on a Wednesday evening with the ministry tool that God has used in an incredible way. It was a basketball.

Every Wednesday night I play basketball with a large group of the teens at that church. During that time I am able to learn their names, and truly connect with them. And that is what I have learned is the most important thing. A lesson that teaches scripture clearly is a powerful thing. And a professional power point presentation is nice. But that is not the most important thing to teenagers. What they want is someone who will come down to their level and accept them. I don’t bring my computer to church on Wednesday nights anymore because I don’t teach with power point. But the kids don’t really care, just as long as I bring the basketball.

A Paintboard In Times Square

The summer after my freshman year in college I took part in an open air evangelism missions trip. Almost two of those weeks were spent in a city that was part of Ukraine (formerly Russia). And two of those weeks were spent in New York City. Interestingly I had more fear when ministering in New York than when I was overseas. Part of this was because I am not an outgoing person who has the gift of boldness. Giving a tract to someone in my small town of Winston Salem, North Carolina was hard for me. Handing out tracts in New York City was something I honestly did not look forward to.

God did help me get over my fears during the two weeks in New York. I vividly remember the day we went down into the New York City subway system to share the gospel. I was supposed to share use a simple magic trick using three ropes to portray all of our sinfulness in the eyes of God. The first time I did it the only thought on my mind was, “I wonder if I could defend myself with one of these ropes if somebody attacks me”. But by the end of the day I was actually enjoying myself!

I had the opportunity near the end of my second week to share the Gospel in times square. That is the main road through downtown New York that has all of the broadway shows and businesses on either side. It was amazing what God did in my life during those two short weeks. Even though my experience in New York took place eleven years ago in the summer of 1996 I still remember it as a time when God used me powerfully.

I believe with all of my heart that God used me during those two weeks in New York. Although I was not able to lead someone to the Lord I did see many unsaved people come forward and take a tract out of my hand so they could learn more about Christ. But times do change and with changing times our methods for ministry must change as well. If I was ministering today in New York city I would not rely upon an open air evangelism ministry. Nor would I use a rope trick to share the Gospel in the subway stations.

I view things like open air evangelism as good ways to share the Gospel. They can definitely be used by God to lead a lost soul to salvation. But these methods do not work as well as they did eleven years ago. We live in a culture that has dramatically changed since the year 1996. Television, movies, and music have completely changed as well. Why even we are very different people than we were eleven years ago!

Society has changed in so many ways since that Friday night I ministered at Times Square. And we must change with it to impact the lost for Jesus Christ. Our Theology will never change for any reasons. But our methods must be changed so that they are relevant to the year 2007.