I am not okay

We all go through times of serious emotional pain because of our cravings for acceptance or discouraging circumstances. And most of us go through those painful experiences alone without anyone helping us. This is sad because there are usually good Christian friends who desire to help us through those rough times. But their help is usually refused because we are afraid to admit that we need it.

For some individuals this is a pride issue. There is no way they will make themselves look weak by asking for help. For others it has to do with low self confidence. They don’t feel their problems are important enough to bother other people with. Some refuse help because they are afraid that people will laugh at them. The reason for this denial of help is really not that important. The problem is found in the fact that by refusing the help of others, we choose isolation.

Isolation involves hiding that pain whether it is depression, discouragement, or a broken heart so that nobody sees it again. Of course keeping these emotions bottled up inside of us is not very healthy. We become emotional volcanoes that build up pressure until we erupt in anger, bitterness, or maybe self pity. Obviously this is not the way God planned for our acceptance cravings and emotional pain to be dealt with.

We all end up being emotional volcanoes at one time or another. It is just easier to say, “I am okay” in times of need than to ask for help. I know that for a fact because “I am okay” used to be my response to almost every offer of help in time of need. The reason for doing this was primarily because I used to struggle with low self confidence. I felt that everyone else had problems that were much more important than mine. And to add an extra burden to them with insignificant problem would be wrong.

My emotional isolation became a problem when I came to Australia in January. There is a lot of stress during a missionaries first term on the field. And though I was usually “okay”, there were still bad days. But I would not let anyone know about my struggles.

Every year the missionaries in Australia have an annual meeting to discuss business for the upcoming year. One of the things that we discussed was attempting to get a permanent residency visa for me. I am the only missionary without one, and the Australian laws for visa’s at this time are very strict. The thought of not having a permanent visa was very frustrating to me. But when they brought up plans to help me with the visa I immediately spoke against it. I told them that I was doing fine with the two year religious workers visa (which was true). In other words, “everything is okay”. It was then that one of the veteran missionaries looked me dead in the eye and said, “no it’s not okay”.

That day I realized the other missionaries at that table truly cared about me. And that they were genuinely interested in helping to meet my needs. That my problems that seemed so unimportant to me, were very important to them. Since that day I have learned how to stop saying “I am okay” when things aren’t going well. Slowly I am learning that sometimes it is alright to say “I am not okay”.

Romance Junkies

I thank God for the peace that I have in my heart as I write this entry. Over the last eight months I have been able to develop close relationships with Believers in many local churches. I am currently ministering in at least two of those churches on a weekly basis. And in the coming months I plan to become actively involved in a Bible College here. Though there are some bad days I am truly satisfied with what God has given me in Australia.

But that was not always the case. In 1999 I graduated from College with a pastoral degree, and a heart full of dreams. I was seriously dating a young woman, and had a clear understanding of what God wanted me to do in life. Two months after graduation I was single, and had absolutely no idea what God’s will could be. My craving for acceptance became very strong during those months. And of course it was kind hard to feel good about myself while in that situation. So I turned to something that countless people use to fill their acceptance cravings. I began to look for a girlfriend.

Dating relationships are very high on the list of things used to meet acceptance cravings. This is because the emotional highs of the relationship satisfy our desire to belong. Unfortunately those emotional highs don’t last forever. Especially if both people in the relationship are just using it to feed their own cravings. Sadly I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

My desire for acceptance became very strong in the fall of 1999. I just needed a reason to believe in myself. One day a friend told me that a young woman at the college was interested in going out on a date with me. I was working at the college while seeking God’s direction so it wasn’t hard to start spending time with her. Within a few weeks of meeting we went out on our first date.

The first date was a wonderful time for both of us. We shared stories, laughed, and learned a lot about each other. I probably could have floated home that night instead of driving in a car. The emotion of that first date satisfied my acceptance cravings for days. I could not have been any happier.

Almost one year later I ended our relationship. In honesty I had been miserable in the relationship for the last four months. The relationship that I hoped would forever satisfy my acceptance cravings made me worse instead of better! Since that time I have found that Christ’s love is the one thing that can truly fill our desire to belong. More importantly I learned that dating relationships can not fill our craving for acceptance. They may fill it for a month or two, but in time the emotional love will fade.

That fact does not keep countless singles from desperately seeking their next boyfriend or girlfriend. And with each heart wrenching break up they begin their search again. Instead of allowing God to truly satisfy the cry of their hearts, they seek to fill it with romance. Having tried to do just that, I can honestly say that romance is a poor alternative to the unconditional love of Christ.

Television and French Fries

I will never forget that Tuesday afternoon. It was a cold rainy day but I was excited about beginning my teaching ministry at a Bible College less than two weeks. At about 3:30 there was a knock at my door. The college principal had come to tell me that I would not be teaching my class. The student who planned on taking the class had decided not to. I had spent six months preparing the notes for that class. And then in one moment something that I had been working on since February was taken away from me.

The initial anger turned into frustration. And that frustration soon became depression. By 3:45 I was dealing with the depression in my usual way. That involved lying on the couch while watching huge amounts of television. For almost seven hours I laid there in front of the tv. The only other thing I did was make a quick trip to the grocery store. There I bought the other half of my usual response to depression, French fries.

It is amazing what a person will do when they are discouraged or broken hearted. We should deal with the pain and ask God for strength and help in that time of need. Or we should call a close friend and share with them the painful feelings in our hearts. But that is not what we do. Normally we will try everything in our power to take that pain away. Ignoring the depression or alleviating the pain for a short time is much better than dealing with it. Because by facing our feelings of hurt or frustration we will experience even more pain.

So we “medicate” our pain with different things. Some of these are addictive and will drive us farther away from God. But most are not sinful at all. My drug of choice when dealing with depression is French fries and television. I enjoy it because for a few hours I forget all about the pain that is in my heart. But at some point the French fries will all be eaten, and I will have to turn off the television.

In that moment I usually realize that I totally wasted hours of my day. Not only that, but I spent the same amount of time eating French fries that had no nutritional value whatsoever! On top of that there is guilt from using French fries and tv instead of God to deal with my pain. So I usually found myself feeling worse than when I started!

Is it really worth trying to escape our pain when we feel worse afterwards? I am thankful that God has shown me a better way to deal with depression and discouragement. But step one for me is usually the hardest. It simply involves facing the pain instead of trying to escape or medicate it. Then God is able to give me his peace even in the midst of the pain. But it all begins with my deciding to embrace my pain instead of running from it.

Selfless Rebounding

We all have a craving for acceptance by others. And this craving can not be filled through physical things like money, things, or relationships. It can only be ultimately be filled by Christ and his love. But these desires for acceptance can also be filled within relationships where a Christ like love is experienced. But what does a Christ like love look like when it is lived out in our lives? One of the strongest characteristics of this love is selflessness.

When I think of selfless love I am reminded of one summer afternoon many years ago. Our youth group would go to a camp that was run by our church every summer. Teens from churches all around would come to that camp. There were a lot of activities that week which we enjoyed. But most of the young men were focused on one activity. The counselor versus camper basketball game. Sure the campers got killed every single year, but it was still a lot of fun. And every one of the young men dreamed of scoring a lot of points in that game.

I of course was no exception. But I never ended up playing in one of those games. That was not because they wouldn’t let me. In fact I probably would have had a lot of friends cheering for me if I did play. The fact that I had no athletic ability kept me from playing with the other campers. I was afraid of embarrassing myself in front of everyone else. And it was a good idea to put our best players on the team.

During free time a lot of the guys would play basketball. Some were practicing for the big Thursday night game. Others were just having fun. Even though I wanted to play with them it rarely happened. But one day when there weren’t many people around I began to shoot basketball. Since I was pretty much the only one there I was forced to run and get the ball when I missed the basket (which was pretty much every time). Soon a girl started shooting with me. I have forgotten her name (I believe it was Melody) but I will never forget what she did.

After a few minutes she stopped shooting and positioned herself under the basket. She would catch the ball when I missed, and passed it back to me. That in itself was an act of service. But then she began to compliment me! Every time I missed a shot she would tell me what a good job I was doing. She went out of her way to find something to encourage me about even when I missed. I walked away from the court that day feeling as if I had hit a three pointer that won the staff counselor game. All because a girl who I hardly knew decided to set aside her own needs, and encourage me.

An Unfulfilled Craving

We all want to be accepted. This desire for acceptance drives us to do many things as teenagers so that we can be seen as “cool”. But that hunger for approval does not fade as we get older. If anything it gets stronger. “The desperate need to belong doesn’t end with high school graduation; it haunts us for the rest of our lives.”1 As adults we still seek for ways to fulfill our desire for acceptance. We no longer buy the in style clothes so that people will respect us. But we will purchase the latest cell-phone or electronic devices for that same reason.

Buying expensive shirts will not bring us unconditional acceptance. Neither will the latest digital camera or PDA. Those things will bring us popularity for a short amount of time. But before long a new style of clothes, or better technology will come along. And when that happens you will have no choice but to spend more money. This vicious cycle can only end with a huge amount of debt, and normally not many friends.

Others try to fill this need for acceptance through dating or marriage. The emotion at the beginning of a romantic relationship is definitely enough to make a person feel accepted. But the emotion of the relationship will only last a month or two. Most of those who fill their acceptance cravings through relationships will end the relationship after the emotion is gone. They will go from one relationship to another desperately seeking something that can fill their longing for acceptance. But their vicious cycle is destined to end in a broken heart and countless shattered relationships.

Still others seek satisfy this hunger through money. They make becoming rich the goal of their entire lives. And some of them do reach that goal. But they are never satisfied with the money that they have. Almost all of them are focused on getting just a little bit more. “If I make more money then people will have to accept me”, they tell themselves. But those individuals are so focused on making money they don’t see the pain they are bringing upon themselves, and others. Their cycle will end with huge amounts of money that can not bring happiness to their souls.

Why is it that people try to fill this longing with acceptance with countless things, but never satisfy it? The reason is because that desire can only truly be met through an intimate relationship with God. For it is only through God that we can find true acceptance. Others will accept us as long as we have the latest technology, the relationship is filled with emotion, or we have lots of money. God will accept us unconditionally if we will repent of our sins and turn to him. But sadly we many times try to fill that craving in our hearts with things that will never really satisfy. While rejecting the one person who can truly satisfy it.