Loving Confrontation?

This afternoon I finished a book that discusses of the most important attributes of a mature Believer.1 Sadly very few Christians have developed this characteristic. And most of those who do use it don't know how to do it correctly. It is the ability of confrontation. There is a good reason why most of us don't take the time to view confrontation as a characteristic that needs to be developed. For most of us the word itself brings up the mental image of a person blindfolded before a firing squad.

We seem to believe that confrontations consist of a group of people pointing another persons faults. The “confrontation” ends with the person at fault being beaten in submission and repenting of what he has done wrong. This is not really a confrontation at all, but what is referred to as an intervention. These are reserved for individuals who are involved in situations that are damaging not only to them but those around them such as addiction. Confrontation consists of lovingly pointing out to another person how they are hurting you in the relationship.

As I read this book it made me realize that our view of confrontation is totally different from Gods. In Colossians 3:5-17 Paul challenges Believers to walk as children of God instead of the unsaved (3:5). This involved allowing love to be the foundation of all their relationships (3:12, 14). It also included walking in unity with other Believers and reconciling when there differences (3:13). God's peace was promised if they walked in humble love and unity (3:15). But interestingly they are commanded to confront one another as well.

In Colossians 3:16 Paul commands the Believers to “admonish” one another. Admonish here comes from the Greek word noutheteo. The word is translated to “caution or approve gently”. So according to Scripture to confront someone means to show them something that they are doing wrong in a spirit of love. The best way to do this is simply point out to the individual where they are rebelling against God and let Scripture speak for itself.

It is true that stronger confrontation is needed when a person refuses to repent. And a stronger confrontation will be necessary for more serious sins. But confrontation does not have to begin with our kicking down the door and demanding that the person change. I believe that one of the reasons few of us (including myself) don't confront those who hurt us is because the very act of confrontation frightens us. When in reality a confrontation could be as simple as, “you know I would really appreciate it if you would not just point out what I do wrong. Let me know what I do good sometimes!”

This gentle form of confrontation will not offend the other person if it is given in an attitude of love. Actually it will create an opportunity to have more open and honest communication in the relationship. It is when we don't share with others how they hurt or offend us that the real problems start. The pressure builds inside of us like a volcano until we simply explode in anger someday about something that has nothing to do with the real reason why we are upset. These blowups have destroyed many more relationships than humble confrontation.

So join me in trying to learn this new habit of loving confrontation. It may be very hard for you to do at first like me. But in time honest and open and honest communication will become a part of our daily life. This is not to say that we just go around looking for someone to confront, or go to war just for the sake of going to war. But it means we will not bury the feelings of pain when we are hurt by others. Loving confrontation will allow us to keep balance in our relationships. We will not be a human doormat that everyone walks all over. But we will not be a human volcano that everyone will be afraid of either.

1How to Have the Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding, Dr. Henry Cloud/Dr. John Townsend